How Do You Do Everything That Needs to Be Done?

Hi Heather,

I don’t recall when I subscribed to your site, but I do recall having found your site at a time when all my children would eat for breakfast was pancakes and I knew there had to be a way to freeze them. Lifesaver! Thank you!

But, anyhow, to the point. I know you recently moved. And you work. And you blog. So, how do you find time to do the non-essential things? We’ve lived in our house for 2 and a half years and I still have half-painted trim and the register covers have still not been replaced (from the few rooms that we had painted when we first moved in). How do you do it? I’m a new stay at home mom and had all these awesome plans to get things done around here, yet I find I can’t even handle the laundry anymore. What’s your secret. Please share!!
Signed,
Seriously Slacking
Heather says

Drive comes and goes, at least for me. During the divorce and after my sisters’ deaths, I really had none. I barely could do the things I absolutely had to much less the things that were beyond the bare minimum.
It’s been well over a year now since these events happened and life’s a lot different for me. For the first time in a very long time I am truly happy.  Yes, I still get irritated and annoyed with my kids, especially when I have them for long stretches of time. I’m human and parenting is a tough, but wonderful gig.
That said, to get the things that need done around here, in this hot mess of a fixer-upper, I try to make myself accountable.

What motivates you?

I can’t do X until I do Y and if it’s something very important, but off-putting I tell someone who matters about my goal. I really stink at coming up with internal motivation. Over many years, I’ve learned I can get myself to face the things I don’t want to by placing that motivation and accountability somewhere outside of myself.
My therapist and I have gone back and forth about whether or not it’s the healthiest coping skill.  That said, for me, it works and I have done so many things I never would have had the courage, energy, or motivation to do on my own.
For you, consider getting the tools to do the job, before setting your deadline. This way you remove the excuse of, but I don’t have the right paintbrush, the correct size register, drop cloth… whatever it is that would prevent you from finishing the job you want to start.
Set up a reward for once you’ve accomplished the chore. I can’t have a fancy coffee, adult beverage (eh you may see a pattern with me) or nice dinner out until I’ve done whatever I need to do. It doesn’t have to be food, it can be I won’t start that book from the library until I clean up the house. There are many kinds of little reward motivators you can find for yourself.
When the kids are involved it’s more specific: we won’t go to the park until the kids help pick up the house. We won’t start the movie until the dishes are done. And sometimes? Sometimes I have to be firm and not go to the park or turn on the movie. House didn’t get clean in time to go? Sorry, guys, them’s the breaks.
Rewards and “bribery” only work when used correctly. You can’t give in to yourself or the kids and expect anything to get accomplished.
Yes, sometimes you have to be rigid even with yourself, perhaps especially with yourself. But getting the I don’t wannas done removes the guilt from the fun things.
Over time, the successes build on themselves and a sense of pride in the task itself can develop. To get the ball rolling set the bar low, don’t say I will clean the house and paint the laundry room before I have another cup of coffee… that’ll just lead to frustration.
Today I won’t let myself take a break for lunch until I actually call the contractor about the roof. (I don’t know why I’m dreading this, he already gave me the estimate).
This weekend? I have to paint the dining room and replace the light fixture before getting a Christmas tree. (Wait, I’m rewarding myself with more work, who is in charge here? Oh… me. )
IMG_20141210_085408
If you’re curious, I’m going with the color on the right and whatever light fixture matches. I really want to set my dining room table up so we can all sit comfortably together for meal. I miss that and really, that’s the real reward, the Christmas tree is just a nice bonus.
Tell me, Home-Eccers, what is your motivation for projects you should, but don’t want to do?
Send your questions to helpme@home-ec101.com

Moving Is a Mess

Dear Home-Ec 101,

I just moved. There are boxes to the left of me, boxes to the right and here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

The house is pretty much a wreck and will be for some time until I can budget for the repairs.
I don’t know where to find the energy. I don’t know where to start.

The worst part? I started this website where people turn to me for advice and if they only knew. . .

Signed,

Heather

Heather says:

Oh, Heather,  Heather, Heather¹ what will I do with you?

So what if they know. What are they going to do? Write about it on some other website where people in different circumstances can giggle about it? Who cares?

You’re farther than you think. You only have one last load of stuff to get from the previous house and most of that stuff isn’t even coming to this house. You are just in that annoying place where it feels like the more you do the bigger mess you’re making. It will get better.

Set a timer.

And for fifteen minutes do things that will let you actually put away other things. Clear off the shelves in the laundry room so you can put away the canned goods instead of tripping over them.

Decide on a dishwasher already so you can have it installed and actually be able to put dishes away. Or maybe suck it up and install it yourself this weekend.

Call your stepbrother and make him commit to picking up the dining room table so you can set yours up. If he won’t commit put it in the yard and on Craigslist. Then at least you won’t look like you’re living in a bar after last call.

Ask for help to put the bunkbeds together. They aren’t magically going to do it themselves and you -no matter what you tell yourself- are not strong enough to do it yourself. But, you do have to actually ask.

Good enough is good enough. The kids aren’t going to care that you had takeout for a week straight or that you made them eat off of paper plates until the dishwasher was installed. Some people will judge, but it wasn’t their decision.

The kids are going to remember that they helped you fix the drain under the sink. They are going to remember that you let them help paint their rooms. They are going to remember the bonfire you’ll have to clear out the yard debris.

They are going to learn that it’s okay to live in a house that needs a lot of work. Well, they will as long as they see you doing the work -and while they will whine about it now, they’ll be glad they helped. They will eventually feel pride in ownership. And if they don’t, play the mom guilt card, that’s why you had kids, isn’t it?

The kids are also going to learn that if you don’t like the way things are that you make an effort and change them.

You just can’t keep letting every obstacle send you back to the start. It’s annoying and I’m tired of you whining about it.

Seriously.

Get off your butt and make those phone calls and see if you can’t at least get two boxes sorted out before you have to get the kids from school.

And hey, Heather, cut yourself some slack. None of this will matter in six months.

Send your questions to helpme@home-ec101.com

¹If you’re a child of the seventies or eighties, you wouldn’t even blink at the idea of a Heather addressing another Heather. In fact, growing up in this very neighborhood, my best friend was Heather. She lived just around the corner and we were inseparable for years.

 

(I decided to let y’all in on some internal dialogue rather than sitting here and thinking I should write, I should clean, I should work, I should, I should, I should. So I did. Things are getting better, even if from the outside it looks a whole lot messier.)

Staying on top of Everything?

Dear Home-Ec 101,

I came across your site from checking your book out on Amazon.  I love how you give every day a certain task or chore or area to clean.  I did not grow up in a home where I had regular chores.  Both my parents worked so daily cleaning and upkeep was mostly pushed to the weekends.

I am doing things differently!  I am a stay at home wife/mom.  I have a husband who works, and 3 kids, ages 5, 3, 1 and a baby due in October.  We are homeschooling our kids so my home is busy with kids all day long versus any of them going to preschool or public school settings.

My question to you is do you have any advice on how to keep up with these daily housecleaning tasks while having the constant needs and demands of 3 young children all day?  I am not happy with the state of my house and home and desire for there to be changes!  I have attempted to follow your weekly chore schedule.  I just can’t seem to do the tasks to their entirety.

I saw you have a husband, 3 kids and a dog (I have one of those too!) and wonder how you manage to get it all done amidst the care of the people in your home.

Thank you for your website for your time to read this email and for any ideas you can pass on.

Signed,
In the Trenches

Heather says:

I sent an answer privately, a week ago. I was going to leave it as that, just a private reply, but it has been on my mind since. Life has changed a lot for me since I wrote that book. My husband and I are no longer together, I work full-time, the kids are now 10, 8, and 6, and the dog passed away. I was open about my sisters’ passing last year, but I didn’t call much attention to the reason for the move, as it felt like a failure.

The funny thing is, even with all of those changes, I still run on the same chore schedule and when I don’t, I fall behind. Life doesn’t care, but my sanity does.

Can you stay on top of it all 1

 

As far as advice, all I can say is in these next few years, give yourself grace. I really wish I had. There are going to be times where everything looks like it is falling apart, but you feel okay. Just don’t let there be times where everything looks okay and you’re quietly dying inside, nothing is worth that.

There will be seasons where the house is messy.  It is okay to ask for help from your spouse. Being a stay at home parent does not give the other adult a pass on all domestic chores. Raising young children is a tough gig, but you’re in it together.

Pregnant with a whole crew of little ones is absolutely one of those messy seasons, take the nap you need, the laundry pile will still need folding when you wake up. It’s okay.

It’ll probably get a little worse before it gets better. You’re going to have a newborn and three very young children.

Feeling Desperate is the post I reference whenever I am feeling overwhelmed. There are days where the have tos are the only things that happen. Those days will eventually be outnumbered by the good ones. There is a lot of good advice from the wonderful Home Ec 101 community in the comments. Unlike many comment sections out there on the interwebs, we’ve got a good thing here with kind, intelligent, and genuinely caring people. Some of those commenters are the reason I’m still standing  thriving¹ after the last year. I’ll never fully be able to express my gratitude.

I promise, over time,you’ll get beyond the have-tos and more into the should-dos and eventually you’ll even have time and energy for the want-tos.

Keeping on top of the dishes, the trash, and the laundry probably go the farthest in making the house feel more put together than any other chores.

The kids are more able to help, now that they are a bit older, but I absolutely remember what it was like when they were the ages of yours. I started this site when I was pregnant with my youngest and now she’ll soon turn seven.

Hang in there and congratulations on your newest little one.

Submit your questions to helpme@home-ec101.com

¹I took off a few hours on Friday and took my minions and their sitter to the beach. I took a long walk and reflected on many things – shoes, and ships, and ceiling wax- and it hit me, just how content and happy I am. Right here, right now. I’m no longer waiting for some change, milestone, or event to make it easier to be happy; I simply am. It’s not the life I planned, it’s the one I have and that’s all that matters.

Feeling Desperate

The holidays are here and it’s the first time I’ve dealt with them after a year losses and huge life changes. I thought now would be a good time to revisit this post on feeling desperate. Please remember, if you ever do feel completely lost, help is available, whether it’s through IAmAlive.org, 1-800-SUICIDE, 211, or reaching out to a friend. You and your loved ones are worth making that effort. This was originally published on August 18, 2011. ~Heather

Dear Home-Ec 101,

I am a slob. My house is a disaster area most of the time, though I’m starting to realize a lot of it is clutter. My husband hates coming home to this chaos, and while I thrive in some forms of chaos (my desk will never make sense to anyone but me) it’s even starting to get to me. We have two young children, a 2-year-old and a 5-week-old. About this time last year CPS was involved because of the mess, and it’s not an experience I want to repeat.

Do you have any advice on slob salvation?

Sincerely, Living in Chaos

Heather says:

  • You are living in one of the busiest and most stressful parenting points of your life.
  • You are sleep deprived. Your hormones are out of whack.
  • You have not one, but two tiny, irrational dictators controlling your every move.
  • New babies are hard. Toddlers? Hard.
  • A baby and a toddler? That, my friend, is very hard.

I’ve been there twice. My kids are all just two weeks shy of two years apart. (We’re in birthday season right now, they are now 7, 5, 4 -and 16, but I wasn’t around for her earliest years). I started this site while I was pregnant with my youngest and the chaos of life after she arrived made me feel like a hypocrite.

This part is very important, more important than anything else I will tell you today.

If you are fighting this feeling of being completely overwhelmed and that feeling is winning, you MUST talk to your doctor.

He or she is there to help you and post-partum depression is serious, as is antenatal depression.

Will it make you feel better to know that my desk is a mess, too? I stay on top of the rest of the house pretty well, but my work area is a constant battle of paperwork and school books, pencils, pens, and cords.

Overwhelmed with messy house

image from freeimages.com

Today:

When you read this I want you to do a household triage. Today we’re not worried about clutter. Today we are only worried about the things that would cause CPS to be concerned. Today -and the hardest days- we are working around the clutter.

  1. Feed, bathe, and dress the kids.
  2. Make sure there are no dirty diapers sitting out.
  3. If there are animals in the house, all of their waste must be removed immediately.
  4. Take out the trash, especially any food waste that may be on the counters / coffee table.
  5. Dishes.
    Empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher. If this doesn’t take care of all the dishes, fill the sink with soapy water and soak the rest.
    If you do not have a dishwasher, rinse, scrape, and stack neatly the dirty dishes. Begin washing as you can.
  6. Laundry
    Gather it in a place that makes sense. It’s ok to be behind on laundry, you just have to appear to be making the effort.

These are your mandatory things and on some days even they will feel nearly impossible.

One thing at a time, with the baby and toddler coming first and you coming in a close second. You need sleep and probably a lot more of it. The world will not end if you go to bed at 8pm for the next few weeks. You’re probably getting up at 2, 4, and 6 any how.

Do me a big favor and email me your mailing address. I’m going to send you a copy of my friend Tsh Oxenrider’s book Organized Simplicity and one of my book Home-Ec 101: Skills for Everyday Living between the two of us, I’m sure there’s an approach to getting out from under the weight of your clutter.

Weekly Chore List To Keep You On Track

In the meantime, do you see that yellow sticky note in the upper right hand of this post? Right click it and open the link in a new tab. That will bring you to a breakdown of the weekly chore chart.

Each day of the week has a major chore and a minor chore, if you attend to these consistently, your house will slowly become cleaner, these two chores are outside the bare minimum which includes:

  • Do the dishes and sanitize food preparation areas
  • Wipe down the bathroom sink and toilet
  • Sweep or vacuum as needed
  • Put your stuff away
  • Check your schedule
    Currently you have well baby visits, well mom visits, etc. Do not miss those.

And please, listen closely when I tell you that life will get easier. At the moment your life has shrunk to pretty much what goes in and what comes out of your babies. It will expand again, I promise. When you have a moment, where you feel good enough to really start cleaning, here’s a strategy for when you’re overwhelmed by mess.

I know a lot of you have been in her shoes, please share with this reader what helped get you through.

Send your questions to helpme@home-ec101.com.

So, Are You Like Martha Stewart? Donna Reed?

Heather says:

When people ask what I do, after I joke about working in a bar, describe my job at FeedBlitz, talk about my app, I then have to explain Home-Ec101. This happens a lot and generally I get the confused puppy head-tilt.

I run a website on home economics -head tilt- I write about lifeskills for adults -increased angle of said head tilt-

Oh, so you’re like Martha Stewart?

Well, no, it’s a bit more basic than that. I’m not into frou-frou and I think there are a lot of people that genuinely need the basics more than frills.

I talk about cooking, cleaning, basic home repair, and laundry.

Oh, so you’re like Donna Reed?

No, not her either.

I bet your house is immaculate.

And it’s at this point that I just force a smile and try not to let out a huge guffaw. I have three kids. Who has three kids, more than one job, and an immaculate house?

Not this gal.

I know HOW to keep a clean house, but every so often in a while things -deadlines, the kids get the flu, I get called in to cover for a sick co-worker, etc all pile on and the daily chores just don’t get done.

Yesterday, if you had walked into my home, I probably would have died of embarrassment. Thank you for not coming over, by the way.

I admitted this over on Facebook -you are a fan, right?- and someone asked, “How do you get back on track after a couple days (or more) of not being able to do daily chores?”

I enter triage mode.

I either start a load of laundry -or restart it, if it was neglected in the machine for a couple of days.

I then head into the kitchen and start on the sink and dishes.

Next I clear counters and the table-papers may get put into a couple of piles -this depends on how long I have to perform the triage and everything else gets put away. The counters and table get a quick wipe down.

Next up come the bathrooms -not a deep clean- a dump some cleaner into the bowl, give it a quick swish -wash my hands, find the toothpaste cap and get the globs out of the sink. Then it’s wipe off the sink, followed by the toilet seat and rim. The bowl gets a scrub, a flush and I make sure there are clean towels.

Finally come the floors.

All the crap that shouldn’t be out and that will interfere with sweeping / vacuuming gets picked up and put away. -Sometimes I use a timer and put on music to encourage the minions’ help, but if they are at school, I just knock it out, asap.

I set Gertie -my robot minion- to go and I head upstairs to at least get the coffee cups out of my office and to vacuum the floor up there.

Everything piddly gets to wait until the next time the chore comes around in the rotation. This isn’t a perfect clean, this is a crisis clean for communal areas. My bedroom door can and will be shut until I have the bandwidth to deal with it and that’s okay. The same goes for the kids’ room.

No one is perfect. Not you, not me, and definitely not the perfectly coiffed lady in the coffee shop.

Hang in there. Things are going to eventually get better and well, even if they don’t, hanging in is the only option, so make the best of it.