Feeling Desperate

I m read this Heather because of the parent link up. I think there is not one parent that can relate to this post. I love the simple steps of basic cleanness to keep you family and self well. Great Job!

What amazing, can-do advice for someone who is definitely overwhelmed with the house, newborn and all else. I have nothing to add but your advice and the comments from other readers is amazing!

Heather,

Your beautiful, compassionate response has brought tears to my eyes--thank you for everything you do.

Thank you for your honesty and openess. Things do get better if you can get to the doctor and do these basic things to clean up. Here are some things I found helpful when I was in your situation with little kiddlets and a big mess:

keep a cuddle corner tidy. That's a comfie chair for you to fall into now and then as needed, specially if one of the kids, or you, need a cuddle and a comfort sit on your lap. Keep the chair clear of clutter as a starting point. Then the area around the chair can be kept nice. Extend the 'nice' out from there.

Make a time ea day or weekly to get the kids involved in picking up, tidying, straightening, etc. Make it a game, set a time limit, play bouncey music. Knowing the time is limited helps keep everyone on track.

Weather permitting, spend some time outside every day. The sunshine, the change of scene, even a walk around the block helps keep things in perspective, be in touch with things happening in nature or the outside world in a small way.

Don't take on too much to begin with. Everything starts with small steps. Read as much or as little of the hints and help as you can, and know that what is right for you will make itself obvious, you will know what is for you, trust yourself to know how to look after yourself, and your family.

Sending you hugs from Australia and joining your cheer squad as you go about your day. x

Something to consider: are you handling all the night feedings/changings? It can be hard for husbands to understand this is a 24/7 job. If he's not already covering at least one night feeding, ask him. You need more sleep. If nothing else, consider asking him to be "on the job" this coming Friday and/or Saturday night so you can get some sleep and be up to cleaning this weekend - and develop an extra-sympathetic partner in the process!

Ideally, it would be great if he could handle the kids the next couple of weekends so that you (and the help you ask for as rec'd by the many wise people here in these comments!) can get a good head start on the mess. Remember, it's a win-win for both of you. :)

Good luck and get some sleep!!!

When I get overwhelmed... and it can happen even if your kids are teenagers... especially if your kids and husband do not help... first I go to the doctor and make sure I am okay physically and my medication or some imbalance or lack of nutrients or sleep are not the problem... so you should definately do that ASAP even if you have to go to a quick care or ER... but when that has been checked out... or while you are waiting... I put on my favorite music... or make the house silent... whichever you prefer... put the kids in front of an okay movie or whatever will occupy them safely...and just do three things at a time in each room. I usually start in my master bedroom or bathroom. I might just make my bed, pick up the dirty clothes and open the curtains... then go to the bathroom and clean the mirror of toothpaste splatters and clean the sink top and put some toilet bowl cleaner in to start working... then go to my kids rooms and ask them just to pick up and put away all the red toys... etc.. and by the end of the day... with occasional breaks for sips of tea and a devotional or a few Bible verses... things are better. Not perfect, but better. And I pray out loud for help and strength.

As you can tell from the comments, you are not alone! My four are 2 years or less apart, then I had 4 miscarriages in a row before I had my tubes tied after my last daughter died in utero. Depression is like a dark pit but it really is a tunnel & eventually you can get out of it with help. You DO need help, like all of us, we are NOT designed to do this life alone.

Practical things....have boxes or dishpans for toys so the 2yo can put toys away. If possible, store at least half of them to rotate out. Kids generally have too many toys, especially firstborns, and too much choice is overwhelming. Kid books are good in boxes or dishpans, too. We had a picnic bench along a wall with lines of dishpans/boxes on it & under it and all kid stuff went there. If it doesn't have a 'home', you can't put it away.

Your goal is to get as much as possible to the mindless point, where it doesn't take extra energy to decide what to do with stuff. So if you eliminate some of the stuff you will require less energy to deal with it. I am in the 'go through the place with a garbage bag & put all the trash in it' camp because then I am looking for one thing....in this case, trash....and have a physical reminder immediately of what I did. The 2yo may enjoy picking up trash & putting it in the bag, too. Then put the bag outside! One thing DONE. Maybe a trash can in each room would be a good plan, making it easier to deal with. Then go through and pick up the shoes, then the books, etc. This is a learning time for the kid, you are teaching 'categories' and 'sorting'.

You & your husband need to decide what is important to you in the house. This is rarely the same thing, so if each of you has a top issue that gives you two things for a goal. Biological safety (the CPS stuff) is a third. Some days you might get all three things done. My husband thinks the bed should be made as soon as it is empty...I like to air it out (sometimes all day long!) but this is a small thing to do for the man I love. He likes the dishes stacked, too, and when he would make the bed & stack the dishes I'd feel soooooo guilty that he was doing 'my' job at first. After a few years, I just got grateful that he is helpful!

Part of the frustration of these years is that NOTHING stays done so there are few concrete reminders of your work. I think this is why so many get into crafty things; we want to look at something we did that is still done! Accept that being a caretaker of small children and a homemaker means that your job is not the type that is completely 'done', it is a MAINTENANCE career and 'done' is temporary.

A lifesaver for me was the daily quiet time. We ALL did it every afternoon for at least an hour, and I did NOT do housework while they napped or read books. I napped or read books, too. And playpens with a few toys & books are good things that keep a child in a safe environment for short periods of time. All kids need to learn about boundaries and self-entertainment. These are not inherent so expect resistance but they are life-skills that benefit everyone.

Don't compare your life right now to someone who has older kids. You need to be looking at the family you have NOW and eliminating what you can so you can function. I helped a friend move from one homeless shelter to another and the amount of stuff she was trying to cart around for her kids was overwhelming. She was afraid to let go of any of it but it was defeating her and making things worse because it was in black garbage bags and mixed with trash. She actually felt better & functioned easier when we were able to pitch it. She realized that it was all stuff she can get at a yard sale or resale shop once she has a home to put it in & what she needed right then(survival mode) was a weeks worth of outfits for each kid & herself and her paperwork. That was a lesson for me.

Your mess is not you. It makes me sad to hear you call yourself a slob. You're not. We all have both possibilities in us. There have been times (when I was young and single and rebounding from a CPS-worthy-messy upbringing) that I lived the tidiest and cleanest this side of operating rooms. Other times, ugh, more like I grew up with. Right now I'm just climbing out of frustrating amounts of clutter that make it near-impossible to dust most of our apartment.

I know Heather down-played clutter for getting started, but, if you have large piles of paper or cardboard clutter, that could be a fire-hazard.

Also, people are so right about calling in the troops. In my area, we have some free government-run drop in play centres for caregivers and 0-6 year olds. You might have something similar. It's a good place to meet other parents if you don't have a social network in your area. And some of these centres even offer free emergency babysitting. (Another option came up but) I considered using it when I had a 16-mo who had never slept more than 4 straight hours and a 3-yo who was giving up his afternoon nap. I was so short on sleep that I almost forgot the 1-yo in the parking garage. It was a wake-up call, so to speak. I really should not have been driving. Moral of the story: I got some babysitting to catch up on my sleep because, seriously, inadequate sleep is unsafe for everybody, not to mention bad for your state of mind.

I know that a lot of people are advocating 3 X 15 min per day for chores but that didn't work for me or, rather, did work as well as what I do now. I go over all my bare-minimum-maintenance right before bed and at least I wake up to a manageable situation, which makes all the difference for me. It takes me about 35-45 minutes in a 2bdr apt with two adults and 3 small children. I start by starting a load of laundry and finish by putting the clothes in the dryer. [Yes, they are wrinkled in the morning. I don't care.] It has helped that I do the same routine, in the same order, as much as I possibly can, because eventually I got more efficient with the routine and was able to do the same number of chores in less time. So, I found after several weeks that I'd have 5 or 10 minutes left at the end. Not enough time to declutter a whole room but enough time to clear out and wash the produce section of the fridge or tidy and dust one shelf or find/make a home for something, or do any small thing to get a little bit ahead.

Good luck! Take care!

I didn't think that I could afford help with cleaning, but I found a wonderful woman who comes and does my whole house for $12/hour. It takes her 3 or 4 hours. She comes every other week. I will HAPPILY give up one meal out to have my house dusted, vacuumed, the bathrooms and kitchens thoroughly cleaned, and the front windows washed. Worth every penny. Plus, knowing she's coming forces me to get the clutter out of her way at least biweekly. And it's easier to maintain a good level of cleanliness in between her visits than it was when it was all on me.

I suspect, though, that even $36 would be a stretch for many families right now. In that case, is there a friend nearby who also has small kids? Can you spend 2 hours at her house playing with her kids so she can focus on cleaning, and in a couple days she can spend 2 hours at your house so you can focus? Do you have some older kids in your neighborhood who might be "mommy's helpers"? Maybe they could come entertain the little ones for an hour at a time for you. Older neighbor kids are about the only thing that kept me sane when my oldest two, born 19 months apart, were little.

Flylady rocks. You've gotten lots of great advice in the other comments, so I'll just add that it WILL get a bit easier every day. You're in the trenches right now. Lean on your friends, your family, and your community for help.

Mine are 20 and 26 months apart (currently almost 5, 3, and just over 1). It's hard! Do you have a mommy group? If not, join one or a church but find some support! Your DH wants a change, enlist his help. He can help clean or watch the kids but you'll need to divide and conquer. The saving grace in my housekeeping was the 15 minute strategy and routines. 15 minutes seems doable and can get squeezed in.If you have a routine (like in the weekly chore chart), you can a- remember what it was that needed doing which is a challenge when sleep deprived! and b- if you miss it one week, you know you'll get to it the next week

Wait until your husband can watch the kids for 15 minutes- mine even came home a little earlier to help me out. Set a timer and attack. Start with the room that has the most mess/clutter and pick a small section, declutter or clean for 15 minutes. Don't get sidetracked. Don't wander around. Items are pitched, donated, or put in a permanent home. After 1 week in one room, go to another. Set aside 15 minutes 3 times a day for household routine chores- when you DH is home or kids are sleeping (ha!). The morning 15 is where you unload the dishwasher, start a load of laundry, load any new dishes. and wipe your counters. The second 15 (maybe when DH gets home, squeezed around dinner prep) put laundry in the dryer, load the dishwasher and do one other chore. The third 15 is where you put away the load of laundry and one other chore if you can. I broke the bathroom into individual tasks I could do while I bathed kids- scrub the toilet, wipe counters and mirror, mop the floor, and then clean the shower while you shower. If you miss one 15 minute session, it's no biggie, tomorrow is another day!

My response might just echo others but for starters, I'd like to say that I completely understand. There was a point in my life when my apartment probably had 12 inches of laundry, magazines and old take out containers covering the floor. I have been there so please don't think you're alone (and if you feel like you don't know anyone else like this, think of all those friends who never have you over or only rarely do - it may be them and they need lots of lead time to clean).

That being said, I would definitely say to go get FlyLady's book Sink Reflections and check out her facebook site. It really changed my life. I don't see it as a competitor to Home-Ec, but rather complementary for different stages. FlyLady helped me get out of the despair mode and helped me change my attitude about it all. And it is like AA for clutter and chaos inclined folks - there is so much support and accountability and it helps you know you are not alone.

If I were you, I'd figure a time of day or a time in the week to devote to getting starting. I'd pick out my cleaning outfit the day before (socks and shoes too) and brew a big pot of coffee. Then the first thing I'd do is pick up all the trash (this is what I do when my house has devolved into chaos). Maybe just start on the first floor or in the kitchen but get the trash out of there. And then I pick up all the dishes. And then all the shoes. I think of each step as low-hanging fruit that there is no mental decision about (old napkins go in trash, dishes go in dishwasher or sink, etc). Then make a box for each seperate room in the house and toss stuff into as you're straightening each room (kids books go in kids room box, husband's golf glove goes in master bedroom box, etc). I consider all this the first stage of straightening. The tougher decisions of what should be donated and tossed can come next.

Again, I would suggest getting Sink Reflections and read it ASAP. I think it could change your life. Your library should have it if you don't want to pay for one. Good luck and know that it can and will get better - I am personally a reformed "slob"!

5. Deal IMMEDIATELY with wet messes, food messes, and biological messes as soon as they occur. No exceptions. Your kid does not take priority over the mess, unless the mess is on the kid. If the mess is on the kid and on other stuff, clean the kid only enough so the kid can't spread the mess elsewhere, then clean the mess, then finish cleaning the kid. Because a clean kid will make a beeline back to the mess and you'll have to start over.

6. Have your bathroom completely locked down (cabinet locks, shower/tub enclosure with hooks and eyes or bolts that cannot be opened by a child, cinderblock on top of the toilet lid, no exposed chemicals, cords, outlets, etc.) so that you can safely leave a child unattended in there for a few minutes in case of a complete disaster where you absolutely MUST have them contained elsewhere. (If you have a mudroom, this is also a good place to design for this purpose.) Never use this space for punishment, and explain to the child why you are putting them in there, then get back to them as quickly as you can, apologize, praise them, and give them a good chunk of attention to make up for it. CPS probably would not approve, but this is something any adult who is single-handedly managing two children absolutely must have as a fall back position. I remember one instance when both of my kids had stomach flu: I had three huge messes occur within one minute...and then the sink backed up all over the kitchen floor. The kids were wiped up quickly and then put into the bathroom, where they were safe while I cleaned up the rest of the disaster, and cleaning up the subsequent mess in the bathroom was less traumatic than if it had been anywhere else.

7. Get out of the house and get some sun at least once a day. Even in my situation, I was able to get outside to garden: I had to do this because that was how we ate. Again, CPS might have had a real issue with this, but I had to keep my kids where I could keep track of them without having to constantly watch them while I did this, so I would park them in the shade: one in the stroller (he always fell asleep) and the other in a big appliance box with windows cut into it. Neither had a problem with this, and when I was done gardening, we would play for a while. Getting out into fresh air and sunlight really helps reduce stress and depression, and will help you sleep better at night because regular sun exposure increases your melatonin production at night. You also need vitamin D (produced naturally when skin is exposed to sunlight), so consider wearing a sun hat and go without sunscreen if you are only going to be out for a short while. Sunscreen shuts down your ability to make vitamin D. Recent studies show that caffeine prevents cancerous cell changes due to sun exposure without blocking the rays needed to make vitamin D, so have a cup of coffee and rub some on your skin. Kids need vitamin D even more than you do, so try to plan shade time for them and avoid using sunscreen. Natural shade like under a tree is best, because it prevents burning and diffuses natural UV randomly so vitamin D can be made.

8. Talk to your husband and make definite plans to address the issues together. Perhaps he has insights and skills that will help you, but tell him that you need to hear these things in a positive, non-accusatory way. Draw up a division of labor plan where both of you take some responsibility for creating and maintaining order. If you feel over-committed, say so, don't just accept it and then fail. Start small and work up, but if it is on the plan, do it every time. You want to build up successes and faith in yourself. Your husband needs to understand what you need in terms of arranging the house, getting rid of stuff, or buying furnishings so he can help with these things. You both need clear goals to work toward.

9. Like FlyLady says, start with one item of absolute order such as "shining the sink" that you maintain constantly. Order will spread from there as you expand the circle around that orderly spot. First the sink, then the countertop to one side of the sink, then the whole countertop, then the cabinets...etc. Make one oasis of order in each room after you have learned how to do this in the kitchen. Identify your hot spots and hot topics (mail clutter, a table or countertop that collects "droppings," toys, dirty clothes, etc.) that seed the chaos. Learn to be extra vigilant on those: for example, if dirty laundry is an issue, put containers for this purpose around the house to make it easy to toss in odd t-shirts and socks as you walk through a room. I keep collapsible mesh hampers in both bathrooms, in the kitchen, and in the bedrooms. Twice a week, I gather everything into one of them, and go do laundry....adjust the schedule to suit your needs.

10. Get some boric acid and diatomaceous earth. Mix these powders equally and place in an old squirt bottle like cheap mustard comes in. Run a line of this mixture along all of your baseboards and outside along the foundation. Refresh at least monthly. This is nontoxic to children and pets, and will get rid of bugs. If needed, set mouse/rat traps on top of cabinets, shelves, refrigerator where kids can't reach. If you have bugs in your food, freeze your dry staples until you don't see any more bugs for a couple of weeks, then place your dry staples in glass jars on shelves.

11. Love yourself and know that there is such a thing as "good enough." Some days, just cleaning up the biohazards is all you can reasonably require of yourself and don't feel bad about that. It will get better. (((HUG)))

I grew up in a house with hoarders and learned no cleaning or organizing skills other than how to pile stuff up. There was no FlyLady for my generation; we had Hints from Heloise and Martha Stewart, which served to set an impossibly high standard. I had a real soap-opera in my early life when I had two babies at home and just barely survived it, but I did. I'm going to assume that you are going to seek help if you can. (I recognize that there are some situations in which seeking help can actually put one in a worse position, so I will not require this...do what you need to.) Here's what I learned:

1. We were really poor, so we had almost nothing. While it was depressing, it also was a good thing, because you don't have to care for things you don't have. You say you have clutter. Get rid of the clutter. Trash it, give it to friends/neighbors, or take it to charity. Some charities will pick up - if you can find one that will, get boxes from your grocery store and put everything you do not absolutely need into those boxes and set them out. When you are poor, it is really hard to give things away because you can't afford to immediately replace something if you change your mind. Trust the Universe to provide, connect with your local Freecycle group, and give the stuff away. If some of your clutter is sentimental, find ways to stash it: put it in a trunk, ask friends or relatives to hold onto it for you, or take pictures of the items so you can revisit them through the pictures and then get rid of the items.

2. Being poor and having nothing also meant having no storage. You can't live in a house with babies and have things stacked in boxes because you can't put them away. You must have storage sufficient to contain things properly. Garage sale dressers and shelves aren't pretty, but they will do the job. Paint everything white or black or another calming color and it will go a long way toward hiding the ugly. Assume your children will use everything in the house as a jungle gym and anchor every thing you can to the wall. If you have a little extra in the budget and a nearby Ikea, you can find storage for everything there and Ikea associates will sometimes help you brainstorm about how to use their products to solve your problems.

3. Put a trash can with a lid in every room. For years, I used paint buckets with lids, lined with plastic grocery sacks because these were extremely cheap. Again, you can paint it to get rid of the ugly. Empty the trash regularly and take it outside to the dumpster or to a can on your patio or driveway or in your garage. Get. It. Out. Of. The. House. EVERY. Day.

4. Buy and use baby wipes to clean everything. Put a package in every room. I get mine from Costco these days, and use them to swipe over everything from dust to dirty dog feet. You can even wipe down pets to collect hair that otherwise would end up on the floor. Having the wipes handy all the time makes it super easy to just grab one and deal with a mess as soon as you spot it.

Continued in the comments...

Heather - THANKS so much for such a carefully, well thought out response. It made me teary-eyed, even though I'm not in that place right now, but I can remember being there.

Living-in-chaos - I'm so glad you reached out for help. Please take Heather's advice, and most of all, know that it will get better. Enlist your husband to help you when he can - this is not all about you - it's a team effort. If you can come up with a list of tasks that you can do and and a list of tasks that he can do, this will help you both out. Sometimes guys need concrete suggestions of how to help their partners, and sometimes it is useful to divide and conquer when it comes to household maintenance.

HUGS! to both of you...

As an ex-case worker who helped families meet their CPS goals and keep their kids out of foster care (cases of medium seriousness- Need serious help but no one in imminent danger) I love this post. A couple of points that MIGHT be helpful...

Once you're ready to deal with the clutter grab a trash bag for each room and just start filling it with junk. If you don't have a place for you, do you really need it? It is SO ok to just throw it in the bag. We bought a house that had bugs and we didn't know it. The only good that came of the bugs? Ultimate declutering. I don't regret that part at all.

CPS has no ground in any state to make serious complaints about clutter. The issue is safety. Like she said in the post- is it sanitary? No pop-tabs on floor, coins, cig butts, diapers, old food etc.

Lastly- best piece of advice I received as a new mom who is easily overwhelmed by STUFF- 15 minute work times. Lay the baby down, give the toddler something to do and set an timer for 15 minutes and don't stop until it dings! THIS one idea has saved my house. It means I can make time for a chore list etc. Even on the worst days you can scroung up just 15 minutes to make sure things are sanitary to keep the government out of your business.

Very lastly lol ;) I do not know your beliefs but I find the most comfort in that "The Lord is with those who have young." He walks by you, he knows you and sees you and not only that- he cares for you. He hears your cries and knows your fears. He sees your clutter and knows that you have a job to do. He is with you as you step, as you sleep, as you teach your babes and as you try to catch your breath. Rest is found in Him.

GET. THE. SLEEP. And practice saying things to yourself OFTEN, along the lines of "I am valuable. I am awesome." Because you ARE valuable and worthy of a functional, peaceful environment, and it's easy to get into a place where that is completely forgotten. :) Oh yes, we've ALL been there!

I second what has already been said. Been there, done that! My mother was born-organized and so I grew up in a very clean home, but she wasn't very good about making sure her daughters knew what to do. my kids are 8,6,&4 now but when they were really little it got to the point where even I was uncomfortable in my own house. What has been my saving grace is The Flylady. You can find her @ www.flylady.net What I love about her is that she is different from anybody else out there. She is all about taking care of your home AND YOU! If you want to do a marathon cleaning session to get on top of everything, she will show you how to do that so that you don't get overwhelmed and discouraged and tired. But mainly she is about doing a little bit every day. Some of my favorite sayings of hers are- "You can do anything for 15 minutes". "Your house did not get messy in a day, and it's not going to get clean in a day either". "A load a day keeps My Washmore away!"

It's also nice that she has thousands of followers which really helped me to feel less alone. Sometimes you do feel like you are the only mom who can't get it together and it's just not true.

One last thing- it's more important to be a good mom than it is to have a clean house. If the mess is affecting your ability to interact with your kids, then yeah, it should be cleaned up right now. Just remember, the mess will still be there tomorrow, but this moment will never come around again. :)

(and join flylady, she really does work miracles!)

Here is a practical tip that has helped keep me sane at different points--putting a "clutter basket" in any room where clutter (especially kid/toy clutter) tends to happen. When you have five minutes (say, naptime and after bedtime), throw all the clutter into the basket. Best case scenario, you can pick up the basket and take the stuff back to where it belongs. Worst case scenario, it's all contained. Bonus mental-health points if you have a place to stash it that's not right in your sight line.

OH, I've been there. My kids are four and two. We are JUST getting past the stage where I am completely immobilized by the Tiny Dictators. At the beginning, when the What Have I DONE feeling was just starting to sink in, I pared down to the bare minimum. Breakfast was toast and peanut butter. Every day. I kept snacks in a place where the toddler could get them for herself, but still in eye-sight of where I sat with the baby on the couch most of the day, so I could monitor. Dinner was EASY EASY EASY. Most nights, I took advantage of the little bags of marinated meat my MIL had filled my freezer with. (Marinated little strips of meat can be ANYTHING. But, most nights, it just went into the rice cooker with the rice, frozen, and I told my husband to fix some veggies when he got home.) For the clutter. It's still there. But it drives my husband NUTS. So, once every week or so, he helps me clear up. And, honestly, if you need to - SET THE BABY DOWN AND CLEAN. I'm not saying the house should be spic and span. I AM saying that if the clutter is affecting your mental health...just take care of as much as you need to to feel sane again. The baby won't remember when he's older that his mom let him cry for a few minutes while she cleaned, but you will remember that the baby forced you to live in a clutter that was unhealthy for you. (Also? Try to get rid of stuff. Your kids don't need as many toys as you think they do, and we never need as much stuff as we think we do. When I get SICK of the clutter in the playroom, I go through and fill a garbage bag full of trash or broken toys. The kids never notice, but suddenly, it's way easier for them to clean up at the end of the day. ;-))

Another thing that helped me a TON was Mamapedia. It's a Q&A board for Moms. You go on, post a question, and find yourself inundated with helpful advice and encouragement from Moms from all over the country. Really. There are no cliques or anything...but it saved me from the "My Life is Abnormal" mindset.

Good luck!!!!

HeatherSolos I think we have all felt like this in varying degrees when our children were small. Sometimes it is good to just pack them up in the stroller and just get out and walk or go to the park. It's good to remove yourself from the situation for a while. I hope this dear woman will reach out and get the help she needs. Even someone to watch the little ones while she showers and has a nap can help.

This is an excellent post. My oldest just turned four and my baby is almost two. Our house is also terribly chaotic. Please make sure to take care of yourself. Your sweeties need you to be healthy. Our bedtime is seven, and if I need to go to sleep then, I do it. It is getting better. Thanks, Chaos for your brave letter, and thanks Heather for the awesome response. Big hugs to you both!

Ask for help!! After my first was born, I began having seizures and had to have brain surgery. I was COMPLETELY overwhelmed and terribly depressed. Tell friends and family that you are overwhelmed and that you (and your kids) need some help. My church friends brought us fully prepared dinners (in disposable containers) about once a week, People offered me rides (I could not drive for 6 months), and my mother actually moved in with us for a few months. This really got us over the hump. But to this day, I still get help: my mother visits every other week and often helps clean the house. I have also been involved in several friend clean-ups where we will help a friend get their house back in order (or at least much better), because even making a dent can make a big difference! People really do like to help, so don't be afraid to ask for it when you need it!

What she said about getting assessed for PPD? DO IT.

DO. IT.

PPD destroys your ability to prioritize, make decisions, and carry out plans.

Meanwhile, whether it's PPD or not -- Is there anyone at all who can give you a hand? Even a tween girl could be an enormous help. Many girls that age worship babies and would be elated to help you.

After things settle down, if this has been a lifelong pattern you might want to consider getting assessed for ADD. A lot of women don't get diagnosed until they are adults. You might not be a slob at all; if you have ADD, learning more about the way your brain works will help you work around your weak points and play to your awesome strengths.

Dear LiC,

(((((Big Hugs!!!))) You will survive. You will make it through this. One day when the oldest is driving and the baby is playing music too loud, you will look back at this time in your life and be amazed that the days seemed so long when they are flying by later.

Please please please talk to your doctor. You don't have to do this alone.

If you have anyone who can help, even just a couple of hours once a week, ask. Mom, MIL, cousin, sister, friend...they would probably help if you asked. Even if all they do is sit and hold the baby and keep you company while you eat a whole meal or wash dishes.

Take baby steps. Get the critical stuff done and the rest will gradually get easier.

At least once a day, sit down with your kids and just watch them. Take in the miracle that they are here. Watch the wonder in their eyes and feel the love of their embrace. They are a gift that is hard to take care of sometimes, but worth it because it is so precious.

Take care of yourself.

PS...in addition to the critical chores Heather mentioned, see if you can find your husband's trigger. Mine is the kitchen table. If he comes home and there is stuff piled all over it, the house is a mess in his mind regardless of what everything else looks like. On the worst of days, I know that clearing off the table and setting it for dinner is one thing I can do to make it a happier place to come home to.

I think a lot of us will be able to say that we've been there... or are still there, actually. I thought I was reading about myself when I started reading this post- my husband and I were just talking the other day about how the clutter in our house stresses him out, and I was trying not to get defensive. We have two boys (3 and almost-6). Things are easier than they used to be because I'm getting more sleep now, and they can play on their own for a while... but the house is still a mess. I'm doing better than I used to, but I hate housework. HATE it. But doing the basics every day is something I can do (usually... a lot of days I don't get to the putting away clutter part), and I'm going to start using the chore schedule.

Everything up there is great advice, and it's true: it does get easier. And do see your doctor if it's at all possible. I suffered from antenatal depression with both pregnancies (on top of "regular" depression, which I got back to after the births), and I know postpartum depression is as bad, but with the added stress of having the baby there to worry about. I wish I could help somehow, but all I can tell you is that you're not alone, and you can get through this.