Stupid questions, volume 5

stripey-shirt.JPGIvy says:

I’ve been sick for the past couple of days, so I’m trying to make up for some lost time on the site. I know you’ve all been missing my sharp wit and amazing commentary. And I know you’ve been missing some Stupid Questions™, so here they are! Thanks again to Kathy T for asking them!

1. Is there a good way to preserve those old black and white photos we have of our families from decades and/or generations ago?

Yes. Thank goodness for computers, because St. Mark* just got ahold of some really fab family pictures from the turn of the century, and eventually** we’ll have them safe on a jump drive. Scan those photos and save them on a jump drive, and keep that jump drive in a safe or safety deposit box for 100% security.

2. How about the fading color photos?

Same thing, but you can touch those photos up with PhotoShop or even Picnik.

3. Will I get a chocolate bunny this year if I (accidentally!) ran over a little rabbit last Easter while driving?

Sure, but you are definitely going to hell. I mean, you coldheartedly ran over something as cute as this? Yep, hell for sure.

4. My daughter has one of those nice princess nets over her bed, but it won’t stay stuck in the ceiling (even when I used the long cork screw/hook thing). Any tips for getting it to stay up?

You need to screw it (heh. heh. heh.) into one of your ceiling joists. How do you find out where your ceiling joists are? You either need to give St. Mark a call (he knocks on the wall or ceiling and somehow, miraculously, can hear where the stud or joist is- I think it’s part of being a Saint) or you need to get a stud finder.

5. How do you get cat barf stains out of the carpet permanently? I mean, those orange streaks look disgusting. Will this work on socks from where you (accidentally!) stepped in the cold, slimy stuff?

6. Do you know of any inexpensive ways to clean earrings and other jewelry (costume, not real) without ruining the color of beads, etc.?

For silver jewelry, I put it in an aluminum dish (like the disposable cake pans- make sure it is aluminum, though, or line with tinfoil), sprinkle with baking soda, and pour boiling water on top. It causes a chemical reaction and your silver will be cleaned instantly.

Non-porous gemstones and gold jewelry you can soak in Woolite for about 10 minutes.

Things like pearls are best not to get dirty in the first place, but if they do, wipe with a soft cloth, and if necessary, wash with a very gentle soap like Ivory flakes.
7. I’m going to a potluck and have to bring something. It needs to be easy, inexpensive, but look like it took three hours and $60 to prepare. Advice?

How about a beer and ranch cheeseball?  Unless, of course, it’s a church potluck, in which case I would bring cornbread casserole. (Change the servings to however many people you expect at the potluck)

8. What goes in the perfect Easter basket?

In my perfect Easter basket is a whole bunch of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, a Lindt chocolate Easter bunny, and a bottle of bubbles; all nestled neatly on a soft bed of pastel M&Ms.

NO EASTER GRASS. You end up picking that crap off your carpet for years, and it’s not good for our environment, anyway.

9. Where can I get an affordable last-minute Easter outfit for my daughter without going to Wal Mart, the bane of my existence.

Well, I can tell you where NOT to go- Target.  I went there last weekend to pick up a super-cute seersucker suit (for Nate) I had seen there a couple of weeks prior. The place was completely devoid of cute outfits in either of my kids’ sizes. On the other hand, they just might have had your kids’ sizes, so perhaps you should try there.

If not there, I would try Kohl’s- they generally have cute stuff pretty cheaply. Oooh! Or possibly Ross? I love that place.
10. Plastic cups: recycle or pitch?

While I’d love to go all Earth Mama on you and say you should recycle them,  I have to admit that I always throw them away. Bad Ivy, bad.

*St. Mark, for those of you who aren’t “in the know”, is my dad. No, he’s not really a saint, but he will probably end up being canonized for managing to raise me into a productive citizen. Talk about miraculous.

**St. Mark’s motto is “Never do something today that you can put off until tomorrow. Of course, if you can put it off til tomorrow, you can probably put it off until next week. And if you can put it off til next week, there’s a chance you may never have to do it.” Slightly better than our family motto, although not nearly as concise.