Off-Topic Checking In

Heather says:

I’m currently sitting in a hotel room in Virginia Beach, VA. This trip wasn’t for fun. You see, life changes in seconds, one moment you’re lost in your own thoughts contemplating personal, life changing decisions and the next you’re racing to comfort family.

My stepsister died unexpectedly on Mother’s Day.

I’m here in the hotel room, just sitting quietly, stuck with my own thoughts as I watch people struggle through grief. My heart breaks for my family and there is nothing I can do.

I see three small faces not understanding, coping, or not, in their own way. I can’t hug my niece enough and it tears at my heart to see her bringing boxes of tissues to people. I see a little of myself in her, we share no blood, but she is family. She is staying busy, busy being good, busy being helpful, and busy trying to be strong.

I want to make things okay and I can’t.

This is true for this, the most immediate crisis and other areas of my life.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, okay a big, sort-of not really a secret, secret. I deal with anxiety and I’ve been seeing a therapist. She’d probably fuss at me right now because I know I’ve slipped outside of myself and I am going through the motions rather than being in the moment. It’s a coping mechanism, I didn’t recognize it as such  before, I always thought it had to do with why I chose to be a writer. I observe. I always observe, my mentor calls it third person omniscient mode and that was the name I used.

I want to say thank you. To you, the readers of Home Ec 101, to my friends and supporters. This spring has brought about a season of change, some good, some terrible. I want to thank you for putting up with the inconsistencies here for the last few months. Currently, life is in a bit of limbo, my least favorite state, but I am managing, not always well, but always with the hanging in and keeping on.

There will be a new balance and a new rhythm soon. Please know that I am not leaving Home Ec 101, it is still a priority, but I want to give it the focus it deserves rather than churning out half-hearted work. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I don’t know what the new normal will look like, but I’m so glad that Michelle has stepped up to help. Many of you have made a positive impact on my life and I appreciate that, thank you for your emails and kind words.

Today there is a funeral that shouldn’t be happening. If it is what you do and what you believe, could you say a prayer for my stepsister’s family?

Thank you.

We’ll find our new normal.

Soon.

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Comments

  1. says

    Heather,

    You and your family are in my heart today. I can not imagine the pain those children, and all of you, are going through or the helplessness you feel when you see them aching. I’m sorry for your loss and am sending you lots of virtual hugs and very real prayers.

  2. Rhonda S says

    I am de-lurking to express my sympathy. The words are not nearly substantial enough, I’m sure. Prayers for you and your family.

  3. says

    I am so sorry for your loss and your (completely understandable) feelings of helplessness. Wanting, no needing to help, to make it right, to take away the hurt and not being able to is a kind of torture that you are living through. I’m sorry that life is so hard for you and your family right now.

    We, your loyal readers, will wait for you to come back, for you to grieve and mentally get where you need to be.

  4. says

    I’m so so sorry. Loss of control is just another sucky gift brought to you by grief.
    Don’t worry about us. You’ve given us the tools to keep ourselves plenty busy while you tend to what’s most important.
    You and your family are in my prayers.

  5. says

    I haven’t checked in for a while, but for “some reason” I did today. Now I know why, it is to pray for you and your family. Consider it done. I know you’ll be back with just the right new normal soon. Until then, take care.

  6. Kym says

    Thinking of you and yours. We’ll all be here when you get back. Be gentle on yourself, friend. :)

  7. Jenn says

    I’m sorry for your loss! You and your family are in my prayers and I’m sending a virtual casserole as well. I’ve been a long-time reader and am always happy when a post pops up in my feed reader. I’ve enjoyed the back to basics series, the mending series and your chicken bog and fried pork chop recipes are family favorites. Take extra good care of yourself so you can take good care of your family. I’ll be here when you’re ready to return.

  8. says

    There is love in you, love that your stepsister’s babies will see and comprehend. In that I have the utmost faith. Absolutely you have my prayers and my sorrows for the bereaved.

    If you ever want to talk to someone about the anxiety, I’ve been dealing with it for twelve years and medicated for ten. Needless to say I’ve become quite open about it in the process, since panic disorder doesn’t lend itself to hiding.

    Much affection to you.

    C.

  9. Kathy says

    I’m not sure if I’ve ever left you a comment, but I’ve learned so much on this site. Thank you for all your sharing. Thank you for your transparency right now. Praying for you and your stepsister’s family.

  10. Shelley says

    So sorry for you and your family’s loss. Take as much time as you need to heal. My prayers are with you all. God bless.

  11. says

    Yes, prayers. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m 100% sure you’ll find your rhythm – I’m here if you need a metronome. xo

  12. cherie says

    My tremendous sympathy for your loss. Prayers for you to find calm in your heart and find the self that eludes you, and strength in your journey. Prayers for your family to feel comforted and warmed by the love that hasn’t left them but is harder to see. Prayers for all of you to find your way through grief to peace.

    Live your life. It is always changing. Kudos to you for working through what you feel impedes you.

  13. Linda says

    Hugs for everyone. Take the time you need and give the time to the people who need you. May love surround you all.

  14. says

    Hugs and prayers to all. You are a very special person to us. Take care and take time for yourself. You deserve it.

  15. Beth Anne in PA says

    I’m so very sorry for your family’s loss. I hope you can feel the love and prayers that we are sending your way and building you up. God bless you and your family.

  16. Patty says

    I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I will keep your stepsister’s family in my prayers. I am also sure that many of your readers are loyal and agree with me when I say take all the time you need, we’ll still be here when you post.

  17. Linda says

    I am praying for you and all your family. You are missed but taking care of yourself and your loved ones is what’s important now. So glad you will be back to blogging.

  18. HelenGrace says

    My prayers are with your family–my deepest sympathies. You bring joy to my life through this blog, as well as support for my quest to be a better wife and mom. Take whatever time you need to get your emotional house in order and know that your readers are rooting for you!

  19. says

    I am glad you are working on your anxiety. I used to get that a lot too. but there are some easy way to fix it.check here to see info on what anxiety disorders are about. the blog gives a detailed account on all about anxiety and panic disorders do i have anxiety

  20. Amy says

    So this is a little late since I’ve been pretty behind on reading blogs I follow, but I did want to tell you I said a prayer for you and your family today. I know even as life marches on, the coming months can be difficult and grief and the effects of it don’t end after the funeral or after everyone goes back to work. I’m sorry for the loss of your stepsister.