I’m currently sitting in a hotel room in Virginia Beach, VA. This trip wasn’t for fun. You see, life changes in seconds, one moment you’re lost in your own thoughts contemplating personal, life changing decisions and the next you’re racing to comfort family.
My stepsister died unexpectedly on Mother’s Day.
I’m here in the hotel room, just sitting quietly, stuck with my own thoughts as I watch people struggle through grief. My heart breaks for my family and there is nothing I can do.
I see three small faces not understanding, coping, or not, in their own way. I can’t hug my niece enough and it tears at my heart to see her bringing boxes of tissues to people. I see a little of myself in her, we share no blood, but she is family. She is staying busy, busy being good, busy being helpful, and busy trying to be strong.
I want to make things okay and I can’t.
This is true for this, the most immediate crisis and other areas of my life.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, okay a big, sort-of not really a secret, secret. I deal with anxiety and I’ve been seeing a therapist. She’d probably fuss at me right now because I know I’ve slipped outside of myself and I am going through the motions rather than being in the moment. It’s a coping mechanism, I didn’t recognize it as such before, I always thought it had to do with why I chose to be a writer. I observe. I always observe, my mentor calls it third person omniscient mode and that was the name I used.
I want to say thank you. To you, the readers of Home Ec 101, to my friends and supporters. This spring has brought about a season of change, some good, some terrible. I want to thank you for putting up with the inconsistencies here for the last few months. Currently, life is in a bit of limbo, my least favorite state, but I am managing, not always well, but always with the hanging in and keeping on.
There will be a new balance and a new rhythm soon. Please know that I am not leaving Home Ec 101, it is still a priority, but I want to give it the focus it deserves rather than churning out half-hearted work. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I don’t know what the new normal will look like, but I’m so glad that Michelle has stepped up to help. Many of you have made a positive impact on my life and I appreciate that, thank you for your emails and kind words.
Today there is a funeral that shouldn’t be happening. If it is what you do and what you believe, could you say a prayer for my stepsister’s family?
We’ll find our new normal.