Comments on: How To Get Your Stubborn Kid To Clean Up

By: Emma of Baby-Log.com

Emma of Baby-Log.com — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 21:16:49 +0000

I’ve been through the comments and everyone’s kids are about 4-5 y/o. I am trying to get my 15 months old son to get used to tidying up and putting the toys in the toy box, have I started too early?

By: jag

jag — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:42:02 +0000

Heather, I’m with you on this one. As children, we were sent to bed as punishment when it was warranted, but I never made the connection of bed itself being bad, more so being alone and away from everybody as the consequence for my actions. And that realization didn’t come because I was unusually perceptive, believe me. I think you just have to find what works best for your kid and for you.

By: Malia

Malia — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:33:26 +0000

In response to Keter’s point #1, I know Ivy didn’t say it explicitly but I feel fairly certain that she’s tried the time out thing with her son. She did explicitly say, “I go to the thing he hates the most- being sent to bed”. If being sent to time-out was the thing he hated the most, then I imagine that what the punishment would be.

I believe the point was to say, this is what works for my kid and you’ll need to find what works for your kid. I sincerely doubt she’s at risk of psychologically harming her son with such a punishment.

By: Heather

Heather — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:23:29 +0000

Keter,
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. Many times when my children are acting out, whether it’s through temper tantrums or through a refusal to be cooperative (in Ivy’s example) the underlying issue is being overtired.
I remember well being a kid and hating the idea of a nap, of fighting it tooth and nail, but waking up in a heck of a better mood.

I know that when I’m frustrated with my children’s behavior that an early bedtime can be a timeout for both of us.

Since the early bedtime is post dinner, it’s obvious Nate is not being deprived of anything.

By: Sheri

Sheri — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:49:55 +0000

Our 5yo daughter has a clean-up game of sorts–this has been going on since she was 3. We say it is time to clean up; she says, “I want to surprise you!” Then she disappears into her room with the door closed for a while. When she emerges, closing the door behind her, she says, “It’s time to clean up, Mommy” (or Daddy). Then it is our job to come quickly, pretending to nag: “Time to get to work! Let’s clean this place up! Chop, chop!” etc. Then she flings the door open, the room is clean (basically), and our job is to put on a gigantic show of being STUNNED and complimentary.

How did she get started on this? I believe that she did a pretty good job cleaning one time on her own, and I was genuinely very surprised and praised her up and down. I wish I could bottle this behavior, but I have a suspicion it is the product of one people-pleasing little gal living in a household of neatniks.

By: Kendra

Kendra — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:19:41 +0000

I have the same issue and mine is 5 also. I’ve tried everything here…nothing works. Yet, there are days where he will clean up and be a perfectionist about it without being asked.

By: Judith

Judith — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 16:30:53 +0000

Only you, his parent, can tell if it’s will-full defiance or just being overwhelmed, and you can respond accordingly. I always tried the cheer-full make-it-a-game way ………. unless, for instance, my youngest son was absolutely defiant. That’s different.
Two thoughts: first, from a letter to FlyLady. One woman’s son had all his toys but a few quiet/creative ones taken away for defiance, and his behavior IMPROVED because it was the chaos that was causing him to malfunction. And he didn’t really want back what was missing. That’s a thought.
Second, my youngest son early on decided — because of his father’s “lack of homemaking participation,” shall we say? — that only girls or mommies had to clean up. That’s a different thought, too. (He still hopes that is true, at 19, but is reluctantly taking care of himself right now. His wishes for a wife to do it all for hiim in the furture are greeted by hoots of laughter from his sisters and brother, all older!)
Try to figure your little guy out. Try different approaches for a few days at a time. Then you can figure out what works with him (at least for now; 6 months from now it might be different!)

By: Taylor at Household Management 101

Taylor at Household Management 101 — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:56:57 +0000

Ivy,

What a good suggestion. I have used the same idea for my kids with great success. Like you, I hate to watch over them like a taskmaster, telling each simple command though. Here is what I have found works for this:

When they are feeling overwhelmed with cleaning up, as opposed to willful defiance, I have found that suggesting they pick up all the yellow legos, or all the stuffed animals, for example works. This keeps me from having to say every item separately, but keeps them focused on a manageable task.

To help them learn how to do this on their own some kids need more help than others. I did this game with my daughter for a while, and now she can do it on her own without my prodding and clean up pretty well. On the other hand, my son needed a bit more help to figure out this strategy for cleaning up. So, after suggesting some items I had him make a suggestion of what to pick up next. That has helped get him thinking for himself on how to break things up into manageable parts, and now I can leave them alone to the cleaning up at least a bit more, instead of hovering over them.

By: Angela

Angela — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 13:24:14 +0000

My kids do best when they are the helper. I will sit on the floor and make piles of toys that go into a bin and they so the leg work. They love being little helper, so this works out great and my middle two fight over who gets to hel pmom next. My nine yo can clean up on his own, but also still likes this method best. I think it helps them from getting overwhelmed and they know mom is right here and they are not going to miss something.

By: Keter

Keter — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 07:28:51 +0000

I think Susan and dcfullest have it exactly right: make the consequence be directly related to the transgression. That’s what I did with my son.

Two thoughts:

1. Bedtime as a punishment might not be a good idea in the long run. Kids are psychological enough about going to bed, and tend to get worse about it as they get older. Why can’t you just send him to time-out in a designated spot, with the condition that he will stay there at least 5 minutes because of his defiance, but he can’t come back out until he’s willing to start picking up the toys on his own. Make it clear that he’ll go right back into time-out if he doesn’t do the chore assigned, and finish it. It will take several cycles of this until he “gets it” and realizes you’re done playing his game.

2. Is the putting away chore a straightforward exercise? Maybe simplifying the toy bin arrangement, or putting the trash can near the toy bin might help? My son had issues putting his clothes away until I bought him a better dresser – after that it was never a problem. Turned out that he had trouble opening and closing the drawers on the old dresser.