Comments on: Enabling Adult Children

By: caryn verell

caryn verell — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:58:30 +0000

if the adult child who has returned home is turning into a “mooch” then you need to look at your paycheck and look at the name on the deed to your house. is that your name on the check? is that your name on the deed? if so, the power is in your hands to turn the mooching situation around. the only thing lacking is the desire to do so- but then, maybe the moocher has not mooched enough yet.

By: Keter

Keter — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 04:28:33 +0000

One caveat from my own history. Parents, don’t automatically assume that when a child comes to you for help, they are just being a mooch and they need “tough love.” Find out for sure what is going on and don’t make assumptions. Sure, in this day and age, kids that want to stay kids into their 40s are all too common, and it’s really easy to cite other examples when you say ‘no.’ Ask yourself if you are evading responsibility, being selfish, or seizing an opportunity for retribution. Ask yourself if you played a part (including if that part was absence) in the situation your child is facing.

Either way you decide – to help or to use “tough love” – make the decision from the evidence, even if you don’t like what you see, don’t just listen to the media, Dr. Phil, your church group, etc. You are the one who will have to live with your conscience, karma, or alienation from that person if you arbitrarily withhold needed help from a loved one.

By: mom, again

mom, again — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:31:38 +0000

your granddad cutting off his son sooner might well have resulted in the son growing up. Or, it might have resulted in him becoming a homeless drunk sooner. I’ve seen both results in our family. It’s a hard situation, either way.

By: Mom of three

Mom of three — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:08:28 +0000

If only my mother enabled family members, she enables any mooch that comes down the pike. Thing is she equals spending her money as love. They equal it with not working. She currently has her “cousins” living with her. THey are distantly related through my dad, and are in no way related to her. She likes that she can play martyr to their taking advantage. Personally I washed my hands of the whole thing long ago. The only thing that burns me is how hard dad worked his entire life to finance the who issue.
There will never be tough love because as Dr. Phil states you get something out of it or you don’t do it. These “parents” get to be “long suffering”, “understanding”… As mom tells how hard it is on her to keep tending to these so called adults, her friends cluck, cluck and tell her “what a wonderful person she is.” She’s not wonderful, she likes people feeling sorry for her and how bad she has it that she has to take care of other people so much. I don’t play the game. I tell her like it is, that they are losers and she just wants people’s pity. Needless to say, she prefers them over me.

By: Marsha

Marsha — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:57:29 +0000

What a great post. One of my good friends is going through this with her daughter. It’s a VERY difficult situation.

By: TennZen

TennZen — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:10:09 +0000

A-MEN, Sistah!

We’re going through this right now. An adult daughter has come to live with us… so we’re charging her for room and board. If she doesn’t pay, then she’s out. We even made her sign a lease agreement up front.

Tough love. Say what you will, but it works.

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 17:35:44 +0000

When I was 19 and in college, my parents cut me off financially because I was being very foolish. I hated them for that, but it really was what I needed.

My husband and I have watched a similar situation in his family. Thankfully the enabling has stopped and the adult child is growing up. It was painful for everyone involved.

We all have to grow up sometime, the sooner the better.

By: ZenOfJazz

ZenOfJazz — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:45:22 +0000

You are so right… and FPU is a wonderful wedding present, too!