Comments on: Divided We Stand? A Reasonable Look at Chore Division

By: HeatherSolos

HeatherSolos — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 12:35:51 +0000

@chrissyc2 Hi Chrissy, in all honesty it sounds like you need a third party involved. It could be a marriage counselor or a pastor / minister. You need someone who won’t automatically be seen as taking a side and who can help tone done inflammatory language in the discussion. Blended families are tough because even in the best of situation it’s complicated by everyone’s different experiences and expectations. Hang in there.

By: chrissyc2

chrissyc2 — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 21:37:11 +0000

I am a stay at home mom and we have 4 boys, 2 from his previous marriage ages 10 and 7, and 1 from my previous relationship age 10, and ours age 2. Getting these boys to a.) have time to do chores between sports, school, etc b.) getting to get up and work, with out me yelling at them has just been horrible for the last 2 years. My husband is the sole bread winner at the moment. (I am working on going back to work LOL) I have the hardest time trying to get him to help with any chores in the house because I feel bad that he has to work about 50 hrs per week, then come home and do any work on the vehicles, any and all home repairs (and we are doing a butt-load of them). I have even asked him if he can get the boys involved in some of the more manly chores of house fixing and repairing and of vehicle repairs. It doesn’t happen often. So I am feeling like more of a maid/daycare provider/accountant/cook/receptionist/teacher/appt. maker/etc. than a wife and am really getting closer to leaving and dealing with just my two biological children. I am confused and need help quickly….. I am hoping that if you can help me with the chore problems I can save my sanity and marriage!!!! Aghhh!

By: Tired!!

Tired!! — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 20:46:00 +0000

I told my family my problem and asked for their help. My husband was too busy to discuss it so I got my 12 and 14 year olds to sit down with me and we wrote down all the jobs we could think of. We decided that feeding in the cat was worth 2 points and then went from there assignong points to each job. Then we figured out what jobs who should do. I ended up with about 170 points, my husband 110 and my kids about 60 each. The good thing is they figured out who does what and how much work it is. You can hard complain about the system when you devised it!

By: HeatherSolos

HeatherSolos — Tue, 24 May 2011 02:10:40 +0000

You raise a good point, but for most of us we can only control how things are worked out within our own households and raise our children -of both genders- to be aware and sensitive to this.

By: Pepper

Pepper — Tue, 24 May 2011 02:05:07 +0000

While "everyone feels like they do more than the other" the statistical facts are that women are doing about 80% of unpaid household labour (this has been consistent since the 1980's). So their feelings are more likely to have some validity whereas men who 'feel' they are pulling their weight are likely to be wrong. *

I agree making it obvious that you are doing more might help the chore slacker to see how they are failing, but it doesn't address the gendered dynamics and expectations; men don't feel they should have to do more, or don't realise how little they are doing, or simply don't care that women take on the lion's share of household responsibility (it's women's work ammirite?).

*please bear in mind these are behavioural statistics as in, what is happening most often, I'm sure you know someone or perhaps even are someone for whom that is not the case, this is a statistical anomaly and your anecdote is not founded in the available data

By: Lorraine

Lorraine — Fri, 20 May 2011 14:06:47 +0000

Amy, it's been awhile since your post; I just read it. Your husband may be depressed caused by chronic pain. Get him to a chiropractor; tell him all the symptoms. Chiropractic will not only relieve him of the source of pain but lift his mood and help him to think more constructively, esp. when the pain is gone. Find a good chiro by word of mouth; that is the best form of referral. Don't go by your insurance; they don't have the patient's best interest in mind.

By: Amy

Amy — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 04:46:06 +0000

I am glad to have found this website. I hope to find some answers that will help me! We are a household of 5 (myself, husband with bad back, 2 boys 10 & 8, and toddler girl) I stay home and homeschool the kids, dh works outside of the home most days. The boys do 2 chores a day, most days. I'm trying to get them to start helping more with dishes and their bathroom.
Their bedroom is horrid! But they can't seem to be able to figure out how to clean up the mess! Dh doesn't lift a finger. Sometimes I can get him to help make dinner and he helps discipline the kids. But doesn't clean ANYTHING! When he's home he lays on the couch the entire day in front of our bigscreen tv! I have asked so many times for help, but he acts like there's nothing he can do! He'll hang a shelf or help me move a piece of furniture, but that's about it! His bad back just makes things worse! He can't even help with yardwork, except for mowing the lawn on his rider mower! I'm really at my wits end and not sure what to do without making him mad! I'm miserable and feel like I do everything! I do for the most part!!

By: Amy

Amy — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 04:31:55 +0000

The book you're referring to is written by Peter Walsh (not sure if that's the correct spelling) check on Amazon.

By: Karen L

Karen L — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 01:40:22 +0000

Don’t know if anyone’s still reading but … something that occurred to me to help explain why not having a plan, and having chores fall by default to the person with the least tolerance for mess and uncleanliness is to compare it to family finances. Nobody would think it’s fair for the person with the least tolerance for financial insecurity to do ALL of the earning, saving, and sacrificing to make the finances of a family “work” while the other(s) do whatever they feel like, possibly undoing all the hard work. Though I’m sure that happens all the time because it’s not fun to sit down and talk out financial responsibilities and division of labour either. (Some degree of) Financial security is in everyone’s interest; everyone contributes. (Some degree of) Cleanliness is in everyone’s interest; everyone contributes.

Still haven’t read that book I mentioned above. Maybe I need to add that to the New Year’s Resolutions.

By: smith

smith — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 02:46:35 +0000

i have a large house hold and their are 7 of us in this house. on saturdays , the daughters and i clean up the entire house and we devide up the dish detail… but i still have problems with the meal plaining part of the day. how can i do this and find a happy medium with everything elese?