Dear Home Ec 101:
My husband and I both grew up in homes where the father worked, and the mother largely stayed home and attended to all of the household duties. We both work, and sometimes have a hard time agreeing on who should be doing which chores, how often, and how well. I tend to feel
like I’m expected to do more than my fair share. How can we successfully negotiate housework?
I’m really tired of hearing complaints about how I didn’t magically know to wash that specific pairs of jeans that wasn’t in the hamper by a certain day, etc. Of course, I get all worked up in my head about expectations b/c I’m a woman, and so on. Ultimately, I would like for
everybody to have clear expectations and get things done without it being a constant struggle and source of criticism.
Thanks for any advice you have!
Heather says:
It sounds as though there may be a breakdown in communication. One of you is bound to have a lower tolerance for mess and that one will end up with the lion’s share of chores unless boundaries are set. I know it does not sound fun, but you may have to sit down and actually discuss the division of chores. Consider making a list of chores in three columns: daily, weekly, and seasonal. Then, taking turns, take colored pencils or markers and indicate the chores you don’t mind with one color and chores you abhor with another. This should help fairly divide the list. For the chores you both hate institute a rotation, but the rotation should last long enough that it would be obvious if one of you is slacking. Passive aggression should not be tolerated, it will only increase resentment.
Letting him know what you need is not nagging, additionally expecting him to intuit those needs is unrealistic. Extend him the courtesy of telling him your expectations and ask him to do the same for you.
Best of luck.
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I like this, especially the use of daily, weekly, and seasonal to fairly divide the labor.
I think this is a pretty common struggle, regardless of upbringing or not. No one wants to do chores, and everyone feels like they do more than the other.
One way I’ve found to help regulate even division of labor without anyone feeling like they’re being told what to do is to track on a calendar what chores we have done. (We only do this for dishes, a chore of much dispute since we don’t have a dishwasher.) So we write when we do the dishes and how many we did (1 full drying rack= 1).
Just keeping track of what chores you did really helps the chore slacker in the relationship see exactly how they are failing, without the other person having to nag or lord it over them.
Now I can go “Hey, I’ve done the dishes the last 3 times- your turn.”
Before we would’ve argued over how many dishes were done and by who, without really having facts to back it up.
Now we got all the facts we need…
Muhuhahahaha!!