Random Google Searches: From Pregnancy Tests To Panties

Ivy says:

Man, do we ever get some weird Google searches that lead people to us. I guess everyone else adheres to my “when in doubt, ask the internet” motto. It appears people have stranger questions than I do, though. Let’s take a look:

Home remedy for pregnancy test- I’ve heard of ways to do a pregnancy test with stuff like Draino, but seriously? You can buy pregnancy tests at the Dollar Store. Just go out and buy one.

Last day for white pants- I guess there’s some theoretical time frame not to wear white pants, but I wear ‘em any time I’m not on my period or if there’s no kids around to spill something on them. Which means, I almost never wear white pants.

Lament flooring- Yeah, I lament my flooring, too, every time I mop or vacuum. Then I remember what having a dirt floor would be like, and I cheer up.

Pooping remedies- Sorry, but there’s no way to quit pooping. As the book tells us, everybody poops.

How to live on less- Of course, we had a series on this, but the short form of it is this- buy less. Or you could do like I’m doing today, mooch off your mom. Since the internets is broken at my house, I came to work at my mom’s today and steal her wifi and eat up all her bacon and M&Ms.

Sexy things- Yes, I know. Heather and I are pretty hot, aren’t we?

Stove Top pizza- Ugh, the very idea of this grosses me out. No, just no.

McDonald’s apple pie recipe- Another one for the “just no” pile. That stuff is gross, man.

Interesting underwear- I’m so totally picturing panties with the text of “To Kill A Mockingbird” on them. They’d have to be granny panties to get all those words on ‘em, though. The truly disturbing part of this is the fact that 7 different people have searched this to get to us. I can promise you, Home Eccers, my undies aren’t that interesting, although they are slightly more interesting than my mom’s.

Stupid trick questions- “Hey George, still beating your wife?” or “Hey Michelle, did you finally quit smoking crack?” is about all I can think of for ya.

Can you freeze waffles?- Does the word “Eggo” mean anything to you?

Christian homeschool mom not enough to pay bills should work- 5 different people searched that to get here. And I don’t even know what to say to that. At all.

Dusty the bag lady- Don’t dusty the bag lady! That’s bad for her! And if there’s a real Dusty the bag lady, I’d like to meet her. I dig bag ladies.

Chill out with Heather- Heather says she definitely needs to chill out, so come on! Me, I’m wondering why nobody wants to chill out with Ivy.

And now, for some your mama searches:

Your mama took my money- Well, it looks like your mama’s going to jail.

Your mama taught you better- Yes, yes she did.

Your mama funk- I guess your mama needs to take a shower, then.

And, some grammar fail:

Your doing it wrong- Yes, yes, you are.

You’re mama don’t live here clean up after yourself- And once you’re finished cleaning up after yourself, try taking some basic grammar courses.

The bizarre:

WOW to get rid of weevils- Here’s how I got rid of my weevils, I sat around and played World of Warcraft all day and bored them all to death. No, wait, that’s how I get rid of unwanted guests. Mr. Heather taught me that.

And finally:

Cats break miniblinds- Yeah, they do, which is one of the biggest reasons I despise miniblinds. Either ditch the miniblinds, buy stronger miniblinds, or put them up so the kitties can’t reach them. Cats love nothing better than to snooze in a sunny window. You can’t get them to stop, so you’d better accomodate them.

Which brings me to a post that JanetLee at Kittens on the Keyboard wrote that was partially directed to us. Her query:
How do I keep my couch cushions from becoming squished and furry? (click over for an adorably cute picture)

My answer: I think you’re gonna have to move the couch away from Kitty TV. It’s that whole cats, sunny window, snoozing thing all over again.

Happy Monday, Home Eccers! Leave a comment and ask us something weird, and we’ll give you some weird answers.

Don’t forget! Today’s the last day to enter to win a $50 Visa gift card!

Helping Out the Googlers

Heather says:

I enjoy seeing what brings Home Eccers to our site and I spend far too much time looking at our statistics. Every once in a while the queries either repulse me or cause me to laugh hysterically. I won’t share the depraved, but here are a couple that gave me a giggle.

• Kool-aid Satan - No, but if you give my two year old red dye #40 he’ll give Old Scratch a run for his money.
• Stop Hitmen Getting into My House - Really, Ivy and I try not to tick anyone off quite that badly.
• Why am I addicted to dry oatmeal? - I kind of like it myself and it’s healthy so there are worse things to be “addicted” to.
• See me in my house on internet - Not likely, but wipe your cheek, you have a little schmutz. No, not there, a little to the left. There, you got it.
• Make a house look clean without cleaning - Unless you hire out, you’re going to have to do a little, sorry.
• Flames shoot out of oven - Please use your fire extinguisher or hang up and dial 911

Finally we have my favorite and the one I am posing to you, Home Eccers - Excuses to get rid of your mother?